On my most recent trip to the loo, I thought about something I could not live with out: tampons. I also thought of something I could live with out: visits from Aunt Flo. I know my scheduled monthly visit from her es muy importante from a gynecological/circle-of-life/need-it-for-child-bearing POV, but I would not object to giving up my visitation rights for the following reasons:
1. I only know the approximate time she shows up when my face breaks out a week before. (and she has been showing up at wicked inconvenient times lately) 2. She makes me cranky, emotional, and miserable, thus affecting the well being of those around me. 3. I drink a lot of water and she insists I retain it in my bloated body. 4. She isn't exactly cheap and will only use name-brand good shit. 5. She requires constant attention and needs to be tended to frequently. If she isn't, the whole world will know about it in the most embarrassing way possible.
Aunt Flo is here to stay, I know that. Thus, tampons are one of my favorite things. And they are also the word my family used to use to get me to leave the room when I was little because it freaked me out and made me feel uncomfortable. If I was spying on my sister and her boyfriend all she had to yell was "PAD" or "TAMPON" and I was outta there.
So this got me thinking about things I cannot live without and things I can live with out. (besides the obvious happiness, love, family, friends, air, food, water. those are boring to think about... unless specific foods are brought up)
So...
Some Things I Cannot Live Without (in no particular order)
Tampons
Dr. Pepper
Foxy Gram
Smiles
Black Olives
Weekends
Wild-yet tame-hair
Smell of laundry detergent
Smell of man deodorant
Sloppy Joes
Cold beer
Tequila
Coffee
Good music
Fenway Park
Clown noses
Crocs
Sweatpants
Facebook- I'll admit it.
My blankies- I'll also admit it.
Beach
Some Things I Could Stand to Live Without (in no particular order)
Well besides being able to sit with a chilled glass of Riesling in a bubble bath with candles everywhere... What is it? Pushing the tender age of 24, I consider myself to be "grown up." Whatever that means. Actually, that might be pushing it... at the very least, I think some grown up things. A lot of people consider MANY of the below "questions" to be what makes them a grown up. For me? Not so much right now.
Moving out of the house? No. I am saving too much money living at home right now, which is planning for my future, which is grown up.
Working a full time job? No. I work full time to put food beer on the table. Psyche. This definitely made me feel for real.
Having a relationship/get married?I know a LOT of people who are in relationships that are so juvenile, unhealthy, and unstable that this definitely need not apply to grown-uphood. Don't get me wrong, grown up relationships are great, I know, but I think it was important for me to be independent and grown up on my own before I could grow up with someone else.
Hitting a certain age? Definitely not. There are too many immature/ignorant/naive people out there whose beliefs/actions are not very grown up.
Being financially independent?Eh possibly- I pay most of my own bills.
Having a child? No. See: Teen Mom.
Taking care of yourself?Getting warmer... As long as I am not camping. I am very hygienic. I try to eat healthy. I take myself to the doctors when I feel like shit. I am mildly active, and I know that is ridiculous and needs to be brought up 10 notches.
Being independent? Ahhh, getting there. I felt really grown up as soon as my parents left me walking in the middle of the UConn campus on my own for the first time in my life. There I was with no one hovering over me watching what I was doing every second. My new-found freedom was a little too much at times and I learned some pretty good life lessons.
What DOES make us grown up? Being on time to catch a bus? Being early to catch the early bus? Setting up retirement plans? Cooking dinner for yourself? Going food shopping? (side note: food shopping is one of my FAVORITE things to do and one of the most grown up things I feel I do, not sure why, but I love it.) Transitioning from drinking to get drunk to enjoying adult beverages or moving from Natty Lights to Sam Adams.
What does being a grown up even mean? To some its milestones in life. But I think it’s more of a mindset—the decisions I make and the actions I take. I feel more adult developing my own beliefs and standards than I did when I started working or living on my own. I know how I want to be treated and how I want to treat others. I became comfortable in my own skin and I think that was an important part of growing up. Putting things into perspective and not freaking out that I am having a bad hair day or that I am tired or cold really help to balance my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I am the first to complain when my Miss Frizzle locks are forming, but the big picture is my jam. C’est la vie.
As grown up as I like to think I am, I have a feeling my mom does not see me as such. My parents are going away for 2 weeks and she left some gentle reminders around the house that kindly remind me otherwise...
Kacey: Mom, I am taking these down as soon as you leave.
Mom: They BETTER be up when I get home.
Kacey: Not a chance.
Mom: I don't want my house smelling like trash, my tub clogged, mailbox full, a dirty shower, or a broken septic from tampons.
Kacey: I'm not getting my period. And Nate doesn't use tampons.
Mom: Are you sure?
Kacey: Umm yeah mom, pretty sure. But I will leave the notes up as a reminder in case any of my girlfriends come over.
Mom: Don't get smart with me or I won't bring you back any booze.
I couldn't resist asking the cute lady who had my dogs in her hands for over thirty minutes if my feet were some of the ugliest she has ever seen.
She said, "Oooooh noooo. You feet are niiiiiice. Ha Ha."
They were looking awfully cute this morning at 6:00am when I got to work and could not resist slipping out of my flat, taking off my knee high, throwing my foot on my desk, and snapping a picture.
"I look at your feet and react how I assume the ancient Greeks reacted when they saw a solar eclipse: OMG. HOLY SHIT. WHAT IS THAT?!" - The Animal
My sister got the pretty feet genes in the family--actually pretty sure those are the only good genes she got that I did not. My heinous dogs do not stand a chance next to her tiny, adorable child-size tootsies that are often found in elegant heels and strappy sandals. Although we have never had a formal Fantastic Foot Competition (which surprises me because my sister is so competetive), I know that when we get pedicures together the pedicurists look at my feet, point, and say something in a different language and then laugh their tails off. I am fine with that.
I have come to terms with my mobilizers.Besides the ever-growing protuberance-aka Magical Bunion fondly known as Bunny-I have on my lovely Left, I also have cute little Siamese Toes. These extra special buddy toes are connected (like Siamese Twins) and then branch off eventually. (see pictures below. they are not originals. they are googles)
I used to be very self-conscious about my feet and didn't like to flaunt them around too much. I mean, I still get a little nervous, especially when the boy you are just starting to date points rudely at Bunny and blurts out "What is that?!" I believe I told him it was a softball injury as I had just come from a game. It has been about four months and Bunny is still there.
So, I know I have heinous feet that attract negative, unwanted attention where ever I bring them. But, these same feet allow me to lots of great things including-but definitely not limited to:
Shaking my tailfeather on the dance floor
Struggle through the worst athletic event of my life- The Heartbreak Hill Half Marathon
Walk BigRed around the floors of Dana Farber giving millions of stickers and smiles out
Take Foxy to the market and watch her run over anyone who stands in the way of her sugar wafers
Starting point to put pants on
And cute panties for that matter
Be miserable in heels because there are no comfortable heels for my feet.
Annoy/gross out people who hate them by rubbing Bunny on them
Distract other drivers by sticking them out the window in the car
I am FAR from being thrown into a classification of "high maintenance". Sure I like primping and will treat myself to a massage/mani/pedi/shoppingspree/caseofwine from time to time... But I'm a simple girl--simple things I smile for. Throw me in a pair of sweatpants and a tee-shirt with no makeup on and hair not done and I am in my element.
It's not that I have never "camped" before. But up until this summer, my camping adventures took place in back yards and I often found myself on a couch before the sun came up. I was not against it, its just that the "real" camping opportunity just never presented itself until this summer. The Animal planned a camping weekend in Hampton Falls complete with tents and fires and bike rides and smores. I had some pretty legit (apparently only "legit" in my book because everyone else laughed at me when I asked them) questions about our camping adventure. *** See aforementioned questions above in wicked cool/annoying patter.
Well I survived camping and have put together a guide for other first timers on how to survive as well.
"A Ginger's Guide to Roughing It"
The Twenty-Ten Edition
By: Kacey Barker
-- Complete with Pictures --
It is important for your camp-mate to put up the tent on his/her own. This way, if it collapses or leaks or smells, you can place ALL the blame on him/her. Also, if you are camping with a gorgeous piece of man like I was, it is super hot to watch him struggle to put it up and then throw his hands up rejoicing when he finally figures it out. (Bonus if said gorgeous piece has fabulous behind and struts with a delicious swagger).
Note: I was asked NOT to help set up the tent, as I needed to drink at LEAST one beer to ease my camping concerns.
I think this picture says a lot about how to camp. Always travel in style with a Vera Bradley duffel bag while wearing Crocs and pajama pants. While a lot of chicks might not bring their Vera camping, Vera is VERY versatile and can be washed quite easily. Make sure to lay all your footwear options out so you can plan your outfits accordingly and see what your options are. It is important to note that my smile in this picture is real and not at all forced. I thoroughly enjoyed roughing it. There was a major camping turn-off though... The ground was basically a rock. It was like sleeping on a slab of granite or a hardwood floor. Actually, those might have been more comfortable. Even Animal said it was rather hard and next time a cute little somethin-somethin would be necessary to sleep.
Do NOT NOT NOT bring a camping companion with poison ivy this bad. You will get it and die.
Fires are FAB. They are badass actually. Basically everyone at the campground does it, so you should too. The Camping Community only likes people if they have fires. In real life, you should not give in to peer pressure, but camping does NOT fall into that category. If you don't fire, it is weird and you will not have the complete camping experience if you do not light it up. There are lots of things you can do with your camping fire:
Use it to cook dinner.
Stay warm
Cuddle by it
SMORES. nuff said.
Play cribbage by it
Melt your crocs near it
Smell it
Side note-- Drink as much as you please while camping. It is considered cool and rugged. (see beer can present in picture above)
Travel with an AMAZING cook. Animal trekked over the river and through the woods to find different pieces of wood and made an intricate design in the fire pit to successfully smoke/steam/cook/burn/fire the scallops and sausage skewers. It was basically the best thing since sliced bread and it was pretty awesome to see how proud Animal was with his camping cooking. (you done good, sir)
Anything goes when you camp. That being said, see how loud/long/heinous you can burp. If you get rounds of applause from across the entire campground like I did, you are basically a five-star camper.
I know we touched upon this before, but again, I cannot stress enough how important it is to make adult beverages. A bottle of Santana champagne straight from Mumm Napa and OJ and tequila and coconut rum = HEAVEN. Alcohol not only eases the mind, but enhances the camping experience as you can forget that you are getting eaten alive by bugs or a freezing your tootsies off or have to pee in the woods.
Note: A quote from the weekend= "OMG Kace. Wait one second, I have a surprise for you" He emerges from the tent with a 5=year old grin on his face holding two umbrellas. "I have always wanted to use these!"
Ahhhh, the camping life.
Bring games to play. I like to bring games I know I can beat The Animal at. He stinks at cribbage, so I like to suggest we play that. Games pass the time and bring out the competitive juices.
Speaking of competitive juices, keep them flowing with rousing game of mini golf if the camp ground offers it! You will like camping even more if you play against a partner who ultimately stinks at golfing and you win. You will be flying high after a dub on the g-course!
SMORES! All I wanted when we planned our camping adventure was to make smores. They are the most delish area of food one could ever imagine. Toast that marshmallow black and shove it between two grahams and a hunk of chocolate. AHHH. There is nothing like it. (Do not be in girl mode and use only a little bit of chocolate. A real woman uses a whole bar in her smore. Top and bottom chocolate.)
We were badass bikers at the beach. Legit biked 10 miles to and from the beach uphill--not sure how the uphill both ways happened, but it definitely did. Biking was enjoyable, but it was hard at times. When the going gets tough, just look at the fine backside of your camping companion and that is more inspiration than you could ever imagine. I asked The Animal to bike in front "because he knew the way and it made me feel safe to be in the back." HA. I can read a map and am fearless enough to ride first. Can't a girl just love looking up and seeing her man working hard in front of her?! And with his bod?! GAH.
Note: Sweat on back is real. Girls-- see what I mean about the backside?! Don't even get me started when the American Flag Bandana gets rocked.
Even if you are having the most miserable bike ride home because your boyfriend didn't bring you food to eat after a 10 mile bike trip and only offered beer instead of water, it is a good idea to stop and put on a good face and ride a spring duck.
Always bring a clown. Always.
Impress the beach goers if you can throw a football. Especially if you can catch/throw a football one handed and not spill the cup of beer in your other hand.
Relax your tired camping feet in the exfoliating/calming beach sand and take a picture. Because everyone takes pictures of their feet at the beach and posts them for everyone to see.
Stop on your way home from camping for legit drinks and a lobster roll. It will top of a camping trip very nicely.
Always remember that life is good. It is actually so freakin good.
For those of you who don't know, my sister likes to hold tryouts for various events. I was not graciously gifted the Maid of Honor role at her wedding and had to go through MOH Tryouts. I dressed the dog in a dress (to make sure I could dress the eldest Barker on her wedding day). I stood outside in the negative 30 degree weather (to make sure I could handle a late fall wedding). I had to spin around in circles and deliver drinks to the thirsty event watchers (to make sure I could deliver drinks to her royal highness on her big day).
Just when I thought I was done dealing with another one of my sister's crazy tryouts, she decides The Animal simply cannot be with her precious little sister unless he passes her tryout. I think she was doing it to make sure Animal was a good fit and could handle me, but I think she really just wanted to see if he could hang. Animal geared up for a night of ridiculous alcohol consumption and wicked bizarre tasks. (I tried to play it cool and pretend that if he didn't win, he could not have a piece of this ginger pie, but I think we all knew that was a lie.)
So, BFTO events commenced.
1. Cheer Competition- Come up with and perform an original cheer. Animal did not do so well in this event, as he did not come up with or perform an original cheer. KaceFace beasted it, especially for someone who has never cheered. Cough cough.
2. Name That Disease- Animal had to identify 4 disease slides and then pick out the one disease that I did not ever have. Animal did this in record time and correctly IDed that I never had H1N1. (He might have had an edge being a wicked smaht pharmacist and disease slide lover)
3. Quiz de Kacey- Animal had to participate in a very difficult quiz about the quirks of KaceFace. For every incorrect answer, he had to take a shot. He drank a lot. He learned important things about me: Why I needed to leave softball practice one time, what happened on my first day of 6th grade, what I like to be called when I am in the hospital. Although he swore off of taking shots of Sambuca, our little furry friend grew to love taking flaming shots of it with my sister.
4. Drain That Cyst- Who doesn't have cysts on their tailbones that need draining? Oh, right. Everyone but me apparently. Animal done good with this one.
5. Dance Off- Animal KILLED it on the dance floor blowing my sister's moves out of the water. (Note: Animal picked the perfect person to dance off with, as my sister is not a groove thing)
6. Obstacle Course- This was the BEST part of BFTOs and of course there are no pictures. Animal had to dizzy bat a beer. Do a rope crawl. Monkey bar it and slide it. Back through the rope course. Stomp grapes and take a shot of grape juice. Bat another beer. Slide down the slip-n-slide to find a KaceFaced ginger waiting at the end with open arms. Oh, and he did this all with boxing gloves on. Very impressive.
The joke is on me now. For being an excellent sport, they turned the tables and tricked me into thinking another event was on the line, when in reality, it was pie to the face time.
YAY! He won! We can celebrate now!
The kid got game. Not as much game as Jesus Shuttlesworth, but he tickles my fancy (shout out to foxy gram). Animal survived BFTOs. He actually survived them a lot better than my in-law who drank a whole bottle of red wine by himself after everyone went to bed and I watched. (sorry brotherbear).
Well played, Animal. Thank you for gettin down and dirty and draining my cyst. You are one swell fella.
I wonder what tryout will be next?! Payback might be a biatch...
Has it really been almost 3 months since my your colonoscopy last blog adventure? Holy sheet.
The past few months have been filled with so many heinously awesome happenings and its about damn time I get on the boat and holler at ya'll with what has been racin' 'round my redheaded medulla oblongata.
I think this picture tells a lot about my summer. It has been filled with:
American flag bandanas
wicked cheap wicked fly sunglasses
Sun (This was probably the first time all summer I used sunscreen. I know, I know)
Cribbage
Wild, yet tame, Ronald McDonald locks
KaceFacedness.
Wicked big smiles that hurt my freakishly freckled face
Add in: a clown nose and it's me.
Big things this summer. BIG BIG things.
Kacey goes camping. Kacey rides a bike. Kacey plays Jeopardy with FoxyGram. Kacey plays work softball. Kacey moves up the corporate ladder. Kacey has the best friends a girl could ask for. Kacey loves her family.
Kacey found herself. Again. And has never felt more herself. Ever.
Big Red Kacey fell in love with a Pharm Animal a guy who makes her smile so much her face hurts and gives her enough butterflies to open a b-fly museum in her stomach.
No worries--pictures and stories galore.
Patience is a virtue. So have some while I cook up my life for your viewing pleasure.
